When I left home for college at the tender age of
eighteen I thought that it would be a defining moment of becoming an “adult,” a
big girl in the big world where I would make a life and a name for
myself. Six years, five cities, three continents, and what seems like
every single time zone later, I still call the Superparents when I am in need
of guidance and wisdom. To survive this Cambodian adventure though,
sometimes it’s a little easier to vent about being hungry and the inability to
eat any more rice to another PCV.
I will do my best to explain.
Thrown together in a mishmash, a literal “melting pot”
(seriously, it’s that hot here), Peace Corps Volunteers form instant
friendships overnight that meld and carry us through the dips and ruts of living
alone surrounded by people of a different culture. We instantly have a
connection, a bond, a similarity that sets us apart from the rest of our
friends: the simple fact that we are PCVs. In our little microcosm, it’s
the other PCVs who we call when we’re down, when we need to be picked up, and
sometimes when we need to just speak English.
I have some of the most supportive, amazing friends back home who will listen
to me when I am Skyping, email me in response to crazy ideas, send kickass care
packages, and answer unknown numbers when I call from Cambodia – but even
though I consider myself lucky in the support I have from America, the only
people who can truly understand what this experience does to a person, is
another PCCambodia Volunteer (hence my introduction to my PCV friends in
Cambodia – see previous blog post). Hayley’s friendliness, Caitie’s
energy, and Amber’s loyalty are the best medicine I have yet located to bring
my own positive attitude back to where it belongs when I forget for a moment
who I am or when I get carried away by The Peace Corps Effect.
Maybe it’s because we have to create our own world for two
years, clutch each other for comfort and understanding, and whittle away hours
talking about what we like about our villages, what we miss about home, where
we want to go when we are finished with our missions, or maybe it’s because we
are so far from home and our established support systems that emotions, the
good ones and the bad ones, are magnified here. This is what I call “The
Peace Corps Effect.” Everything that happens to us is slightly
exaggerated and every PCV has a moment when they become a mini drama
queen. Peace Corps Volunteers experience the highest of highs and the
lowest of lows, sometimes in the same day. Example: the night that I walked
down the road to my village in the rain on the way back from my dentist
appointment, humorous as though I looked even to myself, I was not happy with
my situation. My immediate reactions were, “typical,” “this sucks,” and
“freaking rain,” and when my host mom appeared on my bike with her friend along
on a moto with a light, I saw a white knight in shining armor on a fierce
stallion rescuing me from…what? Rain? I’m not made of sugar after all (sweet as
I may be) and in my own culture, walking home in the rain is no big deal.
But here, where I only catch every other word in my village and faces tend to
blend together, a simple walk home was a journey, a battle, an event that was
slightly exaggerated in my mind and as part of my experience. As fantastical
as my imagination is by itself, The Peace Corps Effect still throws it for a
loop.
The Peace Corps Effect is a roller coaster of exaggerated
experiences and magnified emotions that cement our friendships because of the
whirlwind that happens inside of our heads and hearts and the support we seek
from each other when that happens. Our friends are the ones who help us
stay not only positive, but productive when we are living in our dirt road
villages surrounded by people with whom communication is difficult at best.
The Peace Corps Effect is the reason that we form instant friendships that last
for two years (and probably beyond). It's the reason we all become each
other’s warriors and feel hurt so acutely when something goes wrong. I
think that any PCV who has been in-country for a few months will agree with me
when I say that though Cambodia moves slowly, The Peace Corps Effect means that
our relationships with other PCVs and Americans moves so much faster. We
feed off of each other’s emotions and energies. That’s why it’s so
important (I think) for PCVs to guard their attitudes because one of the facts
of life that transcends culture (trust me on this one) is that misery loves
company. BUT one of the worst kept secrets of life is that happiness
loves company too, and it takes a balancing act for a good friend to know when
to indulge in sadness, and when to help stave it off and help to protect a
positive attitude.
I have heard that Peace Corps is one of the most
difficult jobs to have – I think that is true on a mental level. I myself
am inexorably rational, logical to the point of frustration and when I feel
myself going Godzilla-emotional I literally think that I am going to have a
mental breakdown (see what I mean about everything being exaggerated?). Since this directly conflicts with my own
self-image of being cute and likeable not to mention calm in the face of a
storm, it’s not the easiest thing to deal with. It’s hard trying to
control out-of-whack emotions and turn everything into a positive light day-in
and day-out, even when I am a glass-is-full kind of girl (it’s half full of
water and half full of air…see, I’m good at math too). By having a job
such as this, representing all Americans in my village, I am not allowed to be
publicly sad or angry. If they see me not smiling, the people of my
village always always ask me if I am unhappy, if I miss
America, if I want to go home. They take my actions for the actions of
everyone back home. They see my emotions and in their minds, apply them to
the emotions of everyone back home. I represent my family, my
friends, my countrymen and women, and all who have come before and will come
after me. I am a celebrity with none of the perks. And like
celebrities, I have to keep my crazy emotions in check when I am at my site
with my host family. Forget being American, I can’t even be a girl with emotions if I want to.
Trying to figure out a way to not only fix my overwhelming ‘Peace Corps-ed’
emotions when I feel myself going a little crazy but keep them under wraps in
front of my Khmer friends and family in a culture where privacy is a privilege
is enough to drive a girl insane (there goes the exaggeration again).
But sometimes I think that The Peace Corps Effect could be
a good thing. Why? Why would magnified emotions and exaggerations be good
in any sort of capacity? This is why: because they are a part of life and
a part of who we are as Americans and as humans. In American culture
people are allowed to be emotional in a way that people of Khmer culture are
not. Regardless of how cultural norms allow us to act, we do have
emotions and learning to control them in front of ourselves and other people is
an important lesson to learn. In addition, it is a crucial part of (at
least) Peace Corps life to be able to talk to other Volunteers and learn who
you can lean on when something goes wrong. Hey, we're a social species.
We need each other.
After the craze and travel during the holidays and then
birthday celebrations, I hit a funk somewhere around the middle of
February while surrounded by the simplicity of site. I was recently
talking to another PCV about how February was difficult for me and I was sad a
lot during that month. He found it hard to relate. “What if you get
sad again?” he asked me, maybe guarding his own positive attitude, and at the
time I didn’t know how to respond. It only took me about a minute after I
hung up the phone to become indignant. I’m a human, I’m not a robot.
Though I generally consider myself to be a very happy person, I have been sad
before and I am going to get sad again. Not only will I get happy and
sad, I’ll be angry and jealous, cheerful and generous. I might even go a
little crazy and be shocked. Having emotions and growing by learning how
to deal with those emotions isn’t just a part of Peace Corps, it’s a part of
life. I refuse to be ashamed for feeling strongly about situations that
life throws at me or the people that I find myself with. I am not going
to be afraid to put myself out there because, after all, isn’t bouncing back
from difficulty the true test of maturity? I have been told before that
more important than any actions taken first are reactions to unforeseen circumstances and sticky
situations that one may be put in. Yes, I get sad. Sometimes I even
cry a little when I am sad. And then when it’s over, I pick myself up and
move on and before I know what has happened, I find that I am happy
again. And you know what? It feels good to know that I’m alive and have
emotions. It feels even better to talk to one of my friends and let them
help me when I need it, because I know that I will be on the other end of the
phone when they hit a funk too.
Isn’t it true that when it rains, it pours? So be it.
I am learning how to dance in the rain.
xo-Amanda
