Returning Home

Déjà vu is a funny thing.

In my studies of the brain during college and grad school, "memory" was an idea that came up frequently and with research to back up the common knowledge that like Jon Snow, we know nothing. Actually, that's not quite true. We know many things about the location of stored memories, long term and short term memories, and sensory specific memories. There are scores of studies and "experts" who advise on how students are better able to retain information and how drugs, hormones, languages, and sensory information contribute to information retention. Still all of this book learning left me a bit unprepared for my return to the States following the conclusion of my Peace Corps service about 2.5 years ago, in August of 2014. "What a long, strange trip" I titled my last blog post, attempting to convey the end of my service in a brief (ish) blog summing up both the end of my Khmer life and the beginning of my adult American life. However I had felt about the experiences of the end of my service, in whatever way I experienced them, they were no doubt colored by my return home and the feelings I had toward that. When I returned to the States, it is impossible to describe it in any way other than the oxymoron of a phrase, "everything changed, and yet everything was exactly the same." I remember describing to a friend how though I knew life was continuing at a ready pace without me, I somehow had this lingering idea that my life in America had frozen, waiting for my return to pick up again.

Of course that's not what happened and when I got back to the States I jumped into the middle of the rushing river that is my life and kept living it, my Cambodia experience a healthy 2ish years of contribution to the person that I am still becoming. And though I know, still, that life continues without me (I am not, it turns out, the center of the universe), I had the same lingering idea about my village in Cambodia when I left - that time slowed down when I wasn't there, and for the most part, nothing really changed.

In January, I returned to Cambodia.

Like I said, déjà vu is a funny thing. Because as soon as I landed in Phnom Penh I was hit with the feeling that I had experienced all of this before. Because I had.

(Side note: the plane, while landing, hit a bit of turbulence and I remember the thought flashing through my mind that while Cambodia hadn't managed to kill me during my two years of rice, it surely wouldn't pass up a second opportunity. That anecdote is supposed to be funny.)

My sister, Diana, was waiting for me in the airport and seeing her with her hiking backpack had me again with a bit of déjà vu. Because being with her in Cambodia was again, something I had already experienced. She was even wearing a shirt she had worn to the Bode previously. We headed outside to get a tuktuk and I began to bargain with the man - he wanted $10 and I argued for $8, More déjà vu. I remember being a bit tired this time, as $2 now means quite less to me than $2 did before, when I had been living on ~$4/day. We settled on $9 and proceeded, after a few tuk tuk changes, to the city.

Arand women in the Kingdom of Wonder

Being back in the village was a treat unto itself. Maak is great, as usual. Man Kheang is little rascal, and Sokcha has grown about 150% into a man. My younger sister and my mother had joined us at that point and I was able to show my younger sister the village I had lived in for two years.

Man Kheang and Sokchea

Sister, meet brother. 

The fam bam

This brings me to a big part of my blog post - the library. For the past two years, Diana and I have taken the opportunity to turn our marathon runs into even more purposeful runs and have held fundraising marathons before our marathons in order to raise money to contribute to the library's growth and to provide a scholarship for a child of the village to attend college, if that was their wish. To date, and with an incredible amount of support from our very generous friends, we have raised enough to provide students this year with new notebooks, pens, other classroom materials, money for new books, and even begin a healthy scholarship for a student in my village. 

To everyone who has donated, spread the word, and given support, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. 

Before I left, the library was in good standing, with plenty of books and a brand new fan/electricity in a newly painted and tiled room. However it has been two years in a sweaty Cambodia. So I had high hopes that the library would be functional and working, but no idea if that would be the truth of it.

In reality, an amazing thing had occurred and déjà vu played no part in this chapter. 

Diana and I went to the market the morning of our library visit in order to purchase books, pens, and other items to contribute to the students and the library. We wandered from stall to stall as I asked where to find these items and negotiated items for purchase. When we eventually got to my village and the library, it was quite a wonder. Not only is the library still standing, beautiful, functional, full of light and full of books, it has been incorporated into the students curriculum so that (as it was explained to me) each week a new class gets that week to have a library period. During that period they can look through as many books as they want to or utilize the library as they chose. The appointed librarian showed me a log - it lists the week, the class using the library that week, how many students in total used the library, and how may female students made up that number. I was able to see one of these class periods in action and let me tell you, it was a thing to behold. Nothing could have prepared me to see a project I had a hand in so clearly a success. I wish I could take credit for that success, but it truly lies in the students, teachers, and encouraging parents of that village school. I am so proud to have been a part of their success and their story.

The library log

The other main reason for my foray back to the 'Bode was Christin - my Khmerican still hanging out in Siem Reap with the love of her life, Sambath. Christin and Sambath decided to get married and I made plans to fly back for their wedding. When Christin asked to me to be a bridesmaid, I said something along the lines of "HELL YES" and completed my travel plans.

And.
This.
Wedding.

Instead of the traditional 3 day wedding, Christin and Sambath chose certain wedding ceremonies special to them for their own wedding. This selectivity cut the wedding down to 2 days. Two full days of nothing but wedding celebrations in Sambath's village. Check it out:

The team works on us bright and early around 4am

The makeup team was pretty great.
Above: I get my hair done for the fourth time in two days

Ok so this wasn't a ceremony and Sambath was the most excited groom I'd ever seen. He couldn't wait to marry Christin.

Hair-Cutting (Cleansing) Ceremony - Gaat Sah

Monk's Blessing - Soat Mun

The bridal party

Bridesmaids!

Knot-Tying Ceremony - Sompeas Ptem

Paparazzi 

Pretty stellar bridal party!

The bride and groom in traditional Western wedding wear.
I am still wearing traditional Khmer wedding wear as in Cambodian culture, the bridesmaids are dressed to match the bride.

Please enjoy a few of my wedding costumes (I had 6 in total):

Anyone else at the wedding will agree with me when I say that this might have been the most fun wedding yet.

*side note: something else amazing happened at the wedding - I got to visit with some Peace Corps Cambodia staff, both Khmer and American. One of the staff members, who had arrived in Cambodia when I was a volunteer, told me about the science book that I had written and project-ed while I was there (See The Science Project Complete for more details or in case you missed it). Truly a project that I didn't know if it would go anywhere, She told me that it was still in use, that PCVs used it and asked for it, that it was shown as an example at a STEM conference of what could be done in rural areas to promote science education. She told me, in short, that it had made a difference. I was high on adrenaline and excitement, low on sleep that night (it was the end of the wedding), and eager to share my enthusiasm and plain wonder at the success of the library. Her telling me about the science book just about tipped me over the edge for happiness and I felt after speaking with her that just about anything was possible. If that staff member ever reads this - thank you.

Remember this?

Finally, cheers and jol kaio to Christin and Sambath. Your love, which has crossed oceans and time zones to stay alive, is the most inspiring of stories. I am so honored to have been a part of it.

This trip I went home and then I came home. Memories like these are ones for the books. 

...And also for the hippocampus and the amygdala. 

May you feel the love from my blog and from my village.
xo-Amanda


And here's a treat for making it to the end of my blog:

My crew.

What a long, strange trip.

My health center staff

   About three months ago I returned to the United States of America (YAY!) from that stint in Cambodia known as my Peace Corps service. The end of my service was kind of a whirlwind, stuck between dreaming of my impending return home and preemptively missing everything in my Khmer life. My host family and I together were unsure how to treat the situation. They asked me when I would be coming back to Cambodia and I told them that first I had to get a job and save some money. Then my host mom asked if I would come back for Sokchea's wedding.  "When will you be getting married?"I asked him." O bong," he responded, "yoo! yoo! (not for a very long time)."

My Supermom came to visit and meet my host family which was really awesome and we had a blast. Check out my moms below:

(adorbs)

and my beautiful family!

(adorbs x5)

After Cambodia we visited Thailand and then Hong Kong before making our way back to Chicago and home.
And what a trip it was.

At the Grand Palace, Bangkok - Mom said, "He's a big guy!"

Hong Kong 

In the days following my return, between jet lag and consuming as much food as I could physically hold(ish), I met up with some friends and became reacquainted with my own culture and the life I had left behind. As always, lessons were learned and in the time I have spend back I have learned a few things that I would like to share below.

I am really very awkward. 
  I have always been really awkward but now I can blame it on my two years abroad (for a little while more, at least). When I went to Cambodia "out of place" just did not capture the sentiment felt by me and many of my cohorts as we stumbled along trying to learn not only a new language but a new culture and way of life. Individuality is not celebrated across the world the same way that it is acknowledged, even praised, here.
  Before coming home, as a preparation of sorts, I gathered with the other K6s for a conference we called "close of service" during which we were told all about returning to America and reassimilation into our home culture: there would be many things we noticed right off the bat (the English language everywhere, incredible amounts of waste, FOOD) and many questions we might get frustrated with ("So...what was it like?" or "Tell me about Cambodia"). As it turns out, I am not so affected by things that other people say or do, but I find I am very aware of myself - how much food I am leaving on my plate, my own garbage can at the end of the week, words and what they mean when I say them. Let me tell you, the food is a literal shock to the system (mentally and physically), but there were other shocks to my system that I think only other female PCVs in Cambodia or another conservative host country might notice, like all of the skin that is bared during summer (when I arrived home), or even having male friends. The pace of America is, understandably so, a little quicker than that of Cambodia and the question that I get asked more often than anything is, "Do you have a job yet?" It's so American! 
   And "American" is what we tell ourselves that we miss for those two years while we are across the planet, it is "American" that is the excuse when a cultural faux pas occurs and we shrug and think "It's because I'm American." But it isn't "being American" that we miss, it's being ourselves and no one caring because that's just who we are. I did try to blend in (and have you seen the photos? Not easy) when I was in the 'Bode and for a foreigner with no idea what she was doing, I can only say that I tried my best. The difficulty arises in our definition of "blending in" because in America, this means "standing out." That, as it turns out, I can do.

  So here I am, back in America. I have been introduced to some things I have missed occurring while away (the Cronut, Snapchat, those weird high waisted shorts girls keep wearing), and some things I have simply missed (refrigeration, climate control, bacon).  At the same time, I can't help thinking in Khmer sometimes (it's just easier), resting in a Khmer squat, or wishing I could walk down the road and get some pumpkin for $.50...and then give it to my host mom to cook because we all know what happens when I am allowed near knives (see: attempting to cut pumpkin post). The things that make me so "American" set me apart when I was in Cambodia and the things that I got used to in Cambodia make me stand out here.  Ah truly, some things never change.

I just use "quirky" now, instead of "awkward."

People want to know and people want to help.
   I have noticed more, since I have been back, that oftentimes people want to get involved with something bigger than themselves in order to give their lives purpose. Usually "something bigger" actually means something smaller. I did a lot of "big things" when I was in the Peace Corps - working at the health center, the science project, the library - but the "big things" that I love to remember, that I can't stop talking about, that I have so many photos of! are the "little things" that happened.  My host family is by far my absolute favorite part of my experience in Cambodia, and both of my little host brothers are and will be affected by that library that I helped to fill with books. During the pilot of the science project at Evan's site, more than one student stayed after that class to ask me questions about continuing on, where to get information, one even quizzed me on how to keep learning organic chemistry! I got to work with the most extraordinary women at the health center, learn about their lives and their patients' lives, and became friends with people who far outweigh me in the "life experience" category. Those personal friendships and relationships formed, even acquaintances with students who professed a love of learning, are what has affected me the most.

I am the luckiest girl I know of.
   It's hard, when seeing friends back in the States who kept in touch, to express my thanks adequately for all of their messages, emails, snail mail, phone calls, tweets, and thoughts that I received when I was there.  Probably only other PCVs will understand when I say that it meant more to me than they could ever know. How often I read, reread, and then reread over and over again every word and how much it helped when I was homesick and when I was not. It is not a great big deal to send an email for you in the Land of Electronics, but for me the effect lasted...well..roughly two years, if I had to estimate. To everyone who kept in touch - THANK YOU! thank you thank you, more than you will ever know.
  Between the Superparents, my brothers and sisters, friends and other family in America, and my friends, Khmer family, staff and other Volunteers in Cambodia, I have more connections and help than I know what to do with. Lucky! That's me.


Actually - a few weeks ago while eating dinner with my family, my aunt asked me what the most important thing I learned was (what a question!). Truthfully, I told her that if I learned anything in my years abroad, and in my time since, it is that I know nothing.

*   *   *

   One of our jobs as PCVs is to share our culture with our host country in addition to learning theirs. I know I have done my job when my host mom calls and after asking if I am happy and eating rice (and how can I be full if I am not eating rice?!), she gets down to business. "Do you have a job yet?" she asks.

Mission accomplished.

xo
Amanda

"Too Many Books To Read"

Library success!

A few months ago I took on the task to bring a great library to the secondary school near my village and with mounds of help, just before the school year ended, the library was finished and filled with books.  I couldn't be happier with the results.  

The library is located in a room set aside at the school for books.  It held a small display shelf and a desk, littered with paper and dust.  Before I began this project the school director showed me the room.  He and my tutor who helped connect me with the school agreed, "The books are the most important part." I wholeheartedly agree, but I thought that maybe we could do something about fixing up the room as well.  I had asked where the students would sit (oftentimes, Khmer people will lay out a rice mat and have meetings and hang out on the floor, it's pretty normal).  “What about some tiles on the floor?” I asked.  Another teacher got my attention, “Can we repaint the room?” he asked me, and I nodded.  We were on our way.

With the help of students, staff, and the Poor Handmaids of Jesus Christ, I was able to purchase for the school computers, printers, bookshelves, pens, notebooks, and books.  We also added some benches to the outside, tiled the floor, painted the walls and windows, and installed not only electricity and a light, but a fan in the room as well!!! 

Check out the new and improved Library of *insert school name here* (cannot insert school name for security purposes, Peace Corps tells me).

When the room was finished and supplies purchased, the school director informed me that it was time for a blessing ceremony.  In Cambodia, when new buildings are built or refinished or dedicated, the monks must perform a blessing.  Since my brother and sister were coming to visit two weeks later, I asked him if we could wait for them to arrive.  He agreed. We waited and planned.

While completing the project we also accounted for sporting equipment, so that the library would be available to all students regardless of their interests.  During this process, a family donated some logs by which were made two goals placed in the front of the school.  I was told soon after that because the school had goals, instead of shoes to mark the place, the Muslim boys were heading to the school after class hours to play soccer with the Khmer boys.  New friendships were forming, and it was something the community agreed was a good thing.

One day, while planning for my brother and sister to arrive (they spent a night in my village) my host mom asked me what they would eat.  She suggested curry because, she said, it was the only thing she knew that people could eat with either bread (for foreigners) or rice (for Khmer).  I told her that was a fine idea.  Later than day I went to visit with the school director to answer some questions.  He said that after the ceremony we would have something to eat and what did my siblings like to eat? Did they like curry (because curry can be eaten with both bread and rice)? I assured him that they did. 

On my way home I thought, Curry, where has all of this curry been for the last two years? I’ve never gotten curry!

They arrived, as did the ceremony day.

A few weeks after, I was wrapping things up with my tutor and he told me about a student who was so inspired by the dedication of the Sisters that she wrote a poem. In it, she describes the things that the new library holds, including “more books than I can read” as well as changes made to the room and other purchases.  She, like many of her students and teachers, can see the promise books hold for her future and is excited to get it started. 

Xo

Amanda

Special thanks to the Poor Handmaids of Jesus Christ for donating the money, 
Ms. Ali Bickel for donating so many books, Mrs. Debbie for support and good librarian vibes,  Dad and Mom for wit and help, and about a hundred other people for various amounts of support and positive energy.